If the above title offends you or makes you feel uncomfortable at all, just skip this entire post, okay? I'm about to get all up in that junk.
We teach Sweet Pea anatomical names for her various parts. Yup, you heard me. We use words like elbows, abdomen and even tibia. Lawwwdy, we liberals are cray-cray, eh?
And yes, we also talk about genitals in that fashion. For her, it's mostly been vulva so far. That's the exterior she knows more about and can help her say if it hurts, if we need to put "gentle cream" on it for a rash/irritation, etc.
Over the past few months, she has become much more intrigued with Daddy's parts being different. We have explained that, yes, Daddy has a penis. Penis, it turns out, is a pretty awesome word to say. Over and over and over again. It has been an adventure. ;)
She will sometimes ask Mousketeer Roll Call fashion who has a penis. Mommy penis? No, Mommy doesn't have a penis. Sweet Pea penis? No, Sweet Pea doesn't have a penis? Mom Mom penis? No, Mom Mom doesn't have a penis. Daddy penis? Yes, Daddy has a penis.
Occasionally tacked onto that is a response from us about boys and girls. Such as "Daddy has a penis because he is a boy" or "No, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis. She has a vulva and a vagina." (Also, it turns out, vagina is a pretty awesome word to say. Over and over and over and over again. It has been an adventure. ;) ).
But we both have an odd little twinge when we explain how she is a girl. Genetically, yes, she certainly seems to be female. But, it's possible that deep inside, internally, in her brain or heart or soul, she is male.
Now, now, I know. You were with me through talking about penises and vaginas, but this is too much, eh? Hogwash. Weirdness. Liberal phooey. A sin, even? Not here to argue about the how's or why's of transgendered people. Not open to debate with me and certainly not here, so let that part go. If it pains you to read any more about this or you feel I or this is exactly what's wrong with Amuurrrica, then just back your way out of the page, okay? No harm, no foul.
So anyway...
Sweet Pea is our child and we have no idea where her life will lead and what is truly within her heart (mind, soul, dreams, hormones, or whatever other word you want to substitute in that feels better). She might love a single woman, a single man, one of each, a bunch of one and/or the other, might wear pink dresses, might wear blue flannel shirts, might wear pink flannel shirts and blue dresses, might have long or short hair, might be a flight attendant, might be a rocket scientist, might be a flight attendant on a rocketship, whatever. She might even realize that she's not a girl at all, and is in fact, a boy. Only she will truly know these things. We will be along for wherever the ride takes us and love her, or him, all the same. We just ask and hope that she is kind to others and that she is happy.
So when we talk to her about her body parts, I feel like maybe we shouldn't link that in with being a girl. At least not all the time. Maybe never. Or at least periodically bring up the alternatives. For example, we have said, in her Mousketeer moments, that a vulva is a girl part so it seems like she might be a girl but will be up to her to know for sure. Often in these moments, and frequently just randomly, she will indeed describe herself as a boy and sometimes insist she has a penis. All of this seems perfectly normal to me in toddler development as she explores her body, the bodies of others, and comes to understand her personal identity and how she fits in the world. I.e. she might be transgendered, but I mostly think that this is just normal exploration and trying on of various roles and titles.
I think we're handling all of this fine enough. Not really worried about what we are and aren't saying. There are plenty of other areas of parenthood I feel I am screwing up on much more on a regular basis. ;) So, I'm not really "worried" about all of this, per se, but I'm still seeking input.
Again, not looking for "hell in a handbasket," "that's just weird," or even "geez, why are you worrying about something so silly?" "advice" from anyone. I'm reaching out to anyone (else) who considers themselves gender-aware, I suppose. Any/everyone who has given gender issues any serious thought. How are/would you handle any of these topics?
But I'm particularly interested in hearing from my transgendered or gender-queer friends. And their friends, i.e. feel free to pass the link here along. What, if anything, would you have wished to have heard when you were young about your sex and your gender? In an ideal world, if you were Sweet Pea, what would you want to hear on the subject in these very early years and then beyond? At what age do you think it started to matter to you?
Again, we're not "worried" about the subject matter at all. But we are always curious about and fascinated with expressions of sex and gender. Hey, we all need hobbies. Some people golf. We talk about sex and gender. And I, personally, think golf sounds weirder than any of this stuff. ;) So, it's mostly curiosity/interest/fascination with the subject matter, but there is also that thought of "if she is transgendered, are there things we really should or shouldn't say to make this world less frightening or cruel for her?" Or for anyone else for that matter. Alas, we both pretty much always felt darn comfortable with our genetic sex and with that comes privilege in this culture. And with privilege comes ignorance at times. We might be saying things that perpetuate a hostile culture in some fashion and have no idea. And if we think anything is "sinful," it would be that.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
My Tribe
I grew up with a close knit family with many aunts, uncles and cousins that felt like extra parents and siblings most of the of time. And it was good. :)
My mom's side of the family was the larger side and there were 15 of us grandchildren born within 10 years. That was a lot of kiddos running around, but fortunately we had lots of grownups there to keep a watchful eye.
Of course, we grew up in the 60's and 70's so there was a lot less watching back then I suppose. Which was also good. Our parents trusted us and the world around us to be fairly safe. Our parents were all very close and you could tell they had a good time hanging out together, maybe more than us kids from time to time.
When I was older, I heard them share stories about how they would seek each other out, especially when we were very little, because they needed each others' company or had to get away or had to get the kids somewhere, anywhere!, but around their own house and yard. It was a little bit mind-blowing. Alas, as a small child you just figure the world revolves around you and all these adults working at entertaining you was because they loved you so very much (you mean, it wasn't all fun and games for you to set up all the fun and games for us?!? Perish the thought! ;). And that (the whole because they love you thing) is true. But it's also true that sometimes you just want to have some quiet time or even just ship your kids off and hope the Gypsies will take them--they wouldn't even have to pay!
I understood that last bit just from years of babysitting. I knew just enough to know that a kid could drive you crazy. But everything is different when it's your own kid and there's no paycheck and there's really no break. Ever.
So once I had a child I started to better understand how strong the need to get away from said child can be. And how even, at times, you just want to stuff the child in the microwave or throw them out the window and see if they like sleeping in the snow better or just...anything. No, no, calm down. No child abuse here. If you don't have kids and find the above offensive, you just don't understand this particular club. And if you do have kids and find the above offensive...get real and be honest with yourself: you had at least one "bad" minute in your parenting experience. Or, at the very least, you will.
With my early parenting experience, I now better understood why my mom and aunts (alas, back then there weren't a lot of dads at home to go off to what we would today call a "playdate") sought each other out. Help with the crazy kids when you nearly left them in the grocery store because You.Were.Done. No problem. Got it.
But there was just something different about the way my mom and aunts talked about it. How they needed each others' company. And it wasn't just to be social or have grown-up-time or some-such. There was something different about how they spoke about it. I couldn't put my finger on it and didn't quite grasp it.
Until, perhaps, the past year or so. When my circle of "new mom friends" became more than a group to share questions about newborn care. When it became more than a place to regroup and save our child from the Gypsies. When it evolved to be even more than a place to share and gripe and vent about anything in our lives.
We became this tribe of women, of mothers, who were there for each other. Sure, for all of the above things and more, but now, it was something deeper. We still enjoy all the things we enjoyed together before and it has kept us sane (on most days) and our children alive (two years and counting here!) but it has grown so much deeper into a true community, a circle of support, a fierce tribe of mothers willing to do anything for any of us. It is so much more than just being a respite from our wonderful children, to needing to be with each other (via text or social networking or on the phone or in person) for our own sake's.
My explanation still does not do it justice. It doesn't explain the losses we have endured together. The pains and hurts we have shared in all manner of our relationships. The desperate texts for a last minute babysitter or just a helping hand with a purchase at a store. The joy of welcoming new babies into our brood (just another this past week! Squeeeee!). We are now a fierce sisterhood. And one that is as varied as any group of sisters! Each with different personalities, different parenting styles, different ways of relating, different schedules, different careers and different life goals. Yet, we are one.
I might yet lack the words to truly describe what it is we have, but at least I finally understand that look in my aunt's eye as she described something similar, the smile on another aunt's face as she remembered, the giggle from another aunt as she traveled back in time to those likely-crazy days and knowing nodding from my own mother. To think of them having such bonds as I now have with my "new" mom's group brings tears of joys to my eyes...and raucous laughter to my lips because, ohmygosh, if they have shared even a tenth of the things we've shared in our little group? Ohhhh myyyy.... ;)
So thank you, Dear Tribe, for helping me keep my little one alive and well for these past two years, for encouraging me as our family considers the option of growing, and for just plain keeping me sane and happy for so long. Happy Mother's Day to all of you, to my own familial tribe who came before me, and to all the mothers out there. I hope, wish and pray that you each are blessed with a tribe that fills your life as perfectly as mine does for me.
(And want to read more about my amazing tribe and a beautiful tale on just how wonderful it is to be a Mommy? Here's another one of our tribe's online voices: http://www.amywadesondesign.com/to-my-village/. And for another one of our voices that details the joys, and trials, of the initiation into motherhood go visit: http://karissabinkley.blogspot.com/2013/05/mothers-day.html. We're a chatty little bunch, aren't we? ;)
Happy Mother's Day (a few days early)!!!
My mom's side of the family was the larger side and there were 15 of us grandchildren born within 10 years. That was a lot of kiddos running around, but fortunately we had lots of grownups there to keep a watchful eye.
Of course, we grew up in the 60's and 70's so there was a lot less watching back then I suppose. Which was also good. Our parents trusted us and the world around us to be fairly safe. Our parents were all very close and you could tell they had a good time hanging out together, maybe more than us kids from time to time.
When I was older, I heard them share stories about how they would seek each other out, especially when we were very little, because they needed each others' company or had to get away or had to get the kids somewhere, anywhere!, but around their own house and yard. It was a little bit mind-blowing. Alas, as a small child you just figure the world revolves around you and all these adults working at entertaining you was because they loved you so very much (you mean, it wasn't all fun and games for you to set up all the fun and games for us?!? Perish the thought! ;). And that (the whole because they love you thing) is true. But it's also true that sometimes you just want to have some quiet time or even just ship your kids off and hope the Gypsies will take them--they wouldn't even have to pay!
I understood that last bit just from years of babysitting. I knew just enough to know that a kid could drive you crazy. But everything is different when it's your own kid and there's no paycheck and there's really no break. Ever.
So once I had a child I started to better understand how strong the need to get away from said child can be. And how even, at times, you just want to stuff the child in the microwave or throw them out the window and see if they like sleeping in the snow better or just...anything. No, no, calm down. No child abuse here. If you don't have kids and find the above offensive, you just don't understand this particular club. And if you do have kids and find the above offensive...get real and be honest with yourself: you had at least one "bad" minute in your parenting experience. Or, at the very least, you will.
With my early parenting experience, I now better understood why my mom and aunts (alas, back then there weren't a lot of dads at home to go off to what we would today call a "playdate") sought each other out. Help with the crazy kids when you nearly left them in the grocery store because You.Were.Done. No problem. Got it.
But there was just something different about the way my mom and aunts talked about it. How they needed each others' company. And it wasn't just to be social or have grown-up-time or some-such. There was something different about how they spoke about it. I couldn't put my finger on it and didn't quite grasp it.
Until, perhaps, the past year or so. When my circle of "new mom friends" became more than a group to share questions about newborn care. When it became more than a place to regroup and save our child from the Gypsies. When it evolved to be even more than a place to share and gripe and vent about anything in our lives.
We became this tribe of women, of mothers, who were there for each other. Sure, for all of the above things and more, but now, it was something deeper. We still enjoy all the things we enjoyed together before and it has kept us sane (on most days) and our children alive (two years and counting here!) but it has grown so much deeper into a true community, a circle of support, a fierce tribe of mothers willing to do anything for any of us. It is so much more than just being a respite from our wonderful children, to needing to be with each other (via text or social networking or on the phone or in person) for our own sake's.
My explanation still does not do it justice. It doesn't explain the losses we have endured together. The pains and hurts we have shared in all manner of our relationships. The desperate texts for a last minute babysitter or just a helping hand with a purchase at a store. The joy of welcoming new babies into our brood (just another this past week! Squeeeee!). We are now a fierce sisterhood. And one that is as varied as any group of sisters! Each with different personalities, different parenting styles, different ways of relating, different schedules, different careers and different life goals. Yet, we are one.
I might yet lack the words to truly describe what it is we have, but at least I finally understand that look in my aunt's eye as she described something similar, the smile on another aunt's face as she remembered, the giggle from another aunt as she traveled back in time to those likely-crazy days and knowing nodding from my own mother. To think of them having such bonds as I now have with my "new" mom's group brings tears of joys to my eyes...and raucous laughter to my lips because, ohmygosh, if they have shared even a tenth of the things we've shared in our little group? Ohhhh myyyy.... ;)
So thank you, Dear Tribe, for helping me keep my little one alive and well for these past two years, for encouraging me as our family considers the option of growing, and for just plain keeping me sane and happy for so long. Happy Mother's Day to all of you, to my own familial tribe who came before me, and to all the mothers out there. I hope, wish and pray that you each are blessed with a tribe that fills your life as perfectly as mine does for me.
(And want to read more about my amazing tribe and a beautiful tale on just how wonderful it is to be a Mommy? Here's another one of our tribe's online voices: http://www.amywadesondesign.com/to-my-village/. And for another one of our voices that details the joys, and trials, of the initiation into motherhood go visit: http://karissabinkley.blogspot.com/2013/05/mothers-day.html. We're a chatty little bunch, aren't we? ;)
Happy Mother's Day (a few days early)!!!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Baba
Although Sweet Pea very early on would make a "mama" sound, she didn't necessarily link it with me. Now, she was very good early on at saying "Mom Mom," which is our name for her grandmother. So clearly, language ability there, but not applied to me. It was a little odd and funny, but didn't really hurt my feelings. I'm sure she would someday say Mama or Mommy (and that I'd probably get sick of it when we reached the inevitable "Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommymommymommy! Moooommmmmyyyy!" stage.
At one point, she suddenly did start calling me by name. Baba.
We never used that word. If asked to say "Mommy," she would say "Baba!" with delight. We never used bottles (dang kid went straight to a cup which caused much frustration in the early months of my return to work) so it wasn't that. I was just...Baba.
And it's been that way for months. I again found it a little funny and odd. And maybe here and there it tugged on my heartstrings as I wanted to hear "Mommy" eventually.
But then, Baba started to grow on me.
I like our little name. It's unique. I reminds me of the story of the Baba Yaga, a fantastic Eastern European tale that has some special significance for me. I am content to be Baba.
So, this week, "Baba" started to become "Bah-bee." And after only a day or so of that, I am "Mommy."
What I've wanted all along, and I'm a bit sad.
I'm glad I finally get to hear the beloved sound of "Moooooommmmmmy!" I'm glad that her verbal skills are really taking off now and mimicking of sounds is becoming so simple for her. I'm proud of her vocabulary and how well she is starting to speak. I'm honored to be here, watching nearly every minute of her growing up in every way, including this one.
And yet, I'm tearful at the bittersweetness of losing this little phase of Babahood in my life. This funny odd thing we shared is moving past us and we are onto yet more new horizons.
No matter where we journey to next, Sweet Pea, Baba always loves you. :')
At one point, she suddenly did start calling me by name. Baba.
We never used that word. If asked to say "Mommy," she would say "Baba!" with delight. We never used bottles (dang kid went straight to a cup which caused much frustration in the early months of my return to work) so it wasn't that. I was just...Baba.
And it's been that way for months. I again found it a little funny and odd. And maybe here and there it tugged on my heartstrings as I wanted to hear "Mommy" eventually.
But then, Baba started to grow on me.
I like our little name. It's unique. I reminds me of the story of the Baba Yaga, a fantastic Eastern European tale that has some special significance for me. I am content to be Baba.
So, this week, "Baba" started to become "Bah-bee." And after only a day or so of that, I am "Mommy."
What I've wanted all along, and I'm a bit sad.
I'm glad I finally get to hear the beloved sound of "Moooooommmmmmy!" I'm glad that her verbal skills are really taking off now and mimicking of sounds is becoming so simple for her. I'm proud of her vocabulary and how well she is starting to speak. I'm honored to be here, watching nearly every minute of her growing up in every way, including this one.
And yet, I'm tearful at the bittersweetness of losing this little phase of Babahood in my life. This funny odd thing we shared is moving past us and we are onto yet more new horizons.
No matter where we journey to next, Sweet Pea, Baba always loves you. :')
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